Today I’m 23

Last year I was 22 and my house had been robbed, my (at the time) boyfriend’s car had been stolen and then I got into a car accident.

But today I am 23. Last night, my new boyfriend sent pizza to my house while he was working, surprised me with my favorite beer from his bar and then surprised me with a new switch- because mine was stolen last year and I’ve really been wanting to play a specific game.

Today I’m 23. Im playing video games with a person who looks at me like I align the stars. I didn’t think I wanted anything to do with my birthday this year, but then everyone who cares for me came along and made me realize why birthdays aren’t so bad, even though the one birthday wasn’t.

I hope you all had as dreamy of a time today, as I have.

-M. xo.

What about now?

I wrote an essay before about everything leading up to this point and time, I feel better about being able to talk more about my “now.” I wish I could say that things are just peachy, but they’re a bit all over the place. I’m low on funds, and not getting enough hours from my jobs, since moving into this house I feel like extra bills keep piling up. A random bill from the government because of unemployment during covid, an overdue parking ticket, National Grid from the house I lived in before while trying to set up National Grid for the house I live in now, buying a washer and dryer, the list goes on. I’m usually extremely good at budgeting my money, in this instance it makes me feel like less of a substance abuser because I don’t have a problem with keeping my things paid while drinking or doing drugs. I have everything budgeted out for the month, down to the cent. It didn’t help that, for the longest time, my ex couldn’t keep up with his car insurance payment and so I had to add an extra almost 300 into my monthly budget. It’s been a couple months of catch up. And Jesus H. Fucking Christ, if the student loan collectors don’t stop calling me I’m going to lose it. I’m not even behind on my loans, they’re looking for the money for this upcoming payment and next month- I can barely pay right now why do I need to pay in advance? I’m barely 23 and fresh out of college, having these private loans in my name should scream that I didn’t even have the funding to go through college, I only had the brain (and even that is questionable).

On an entirely different note- my last post was rigged with heartbreak- I’ve started seeing someone new recently. He came out of nowhere and it’s so interesting to me because it seems as though the universe handed him to me. I’m not entirely sure if that’s true, though, or if I just want it to be another fairytale type of dream. Let’s call him G, for sake of having some anonymity here. We’d been working in similar areas, almost dancing around each other at jobs until I started working in a soup and sandwich shop located in an office building. Six months into my employment this curly haired, quiet guy started coming in. I knew he looked familiar, and I guess I was right from seeing him at past jobs, just passing through. The timing was impeccable. My ex and I fell apart, and then I noticed this guy coming in once or twice a day. Always paying attention to me and where I was on the line. He ended up asking for my number, and it’s been pretty smooth sailing since. For the most part.

He’s a tall, past lax bro (if you know you know, type of energy- I love to tease him for it- but this has also never been my type) He’s talkative, goofy, well mannered, kind. He does all the the little things I’ve never had before; picks up my bags or carries my groceries, gets the door or helps me down from a step- all things he told me are “bare minimum” and he’s confused as to why I’m so grateful to him for doing them. I guess I just never had bare minimum before.

There are things that make me nervous about G, and about being with him. He emits this energy that I can’t quite put my fingers on. Things I do know about him is that he has anger issues and he’s epileptic. Epilepsy is not something that I worry about, I’ve talked to him about what triggers it and how to help him if something does happen- but that’s all I need to know, it’s not my battle but at least he doesn’t have to deal with it alone. His anger issues are something else, nothing that worries me about him taking things out on me or hitting me- I’m more just worried about how he treats himself. He gets so frustrated it’s almost like seeing a kid throw tantrums. It’s quick and things bother him for extended periods. I’m never sure how to take control of the situation, and usually just recede into myself until he gets over it. He will apologize profusely after for being “too much” or childish. I’ve been helping him work on it. Reset his third eye and energy, and try to take more control of his emotions. He says I’m helping. I hope he’s telling me the truth.

I have a track record of treating men terribly, when I’m not sure about a relationship with them. My long term relationships I was great in (at least I hope I was) but those flings? God they probably tell horror stories about me. G told me he’s been the same, except in his relationships as well. He’s never been a touchy person- PDA is not his thing- he had an ex who was drunk and anxious one night and wanted to hold hands, he had his friend hold her hand instead. G never misses an opportunity to hold onto me or grab my hand. He asks me daily who sent me to him, if I’m here to harvest his organs or shatter him, he never believed he would find someone and have it hit him so hard because no one ever did before. We have a lot of fun together. Unapologetic fun without having to hide parts of myself or mask. Whenever someone hits on him he tells me right away. He’ll joke with me about it, especially if he tells them he has a girlfriend and they say ‘So?’ ‘And so she’s infinitely better than you.’ he shuts them down immediately. Everything is so open and trusting, I’m searching for a red flag that I’m not sure exists.

At any rate, I’ll update more later. I’ve spent an hour of my shift typing this and I need to close up shop.

-M. x.

And we’re back…

I realized a lot during the two year hiatus I took from this blog. Honestly, I just got busy again and I forgot about this page. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that time, I got out of a toxic relationship, I moved 3 times, I’ve developed a drinking problem, and I’ve lost my sense of self a bit.

Anyway, what’s new? Let’s dive.

  1. Learned a ton about myself
    • I made friends with two girls, they’re sisters but they’ve become my little sisters now. We work in a food court type of place together, all of us in different stalls, everyone knows us as sisters. It helps a lot when one of us is having a problem, the place we work is a little toxic. They’ve helped me understand my past traumas more. Understand my mental illness and my cycles. I’m not diagnosed but it sincerely seems as though I could have BPD. My therapist had already been questioning the possibility before- I don’t see her anymore to talk about it.
    • After graduation I started making lists of graduate programs and a plan to get myself into an Occupational Therapy program. I had a meltdown. I didn’t apply. I don’t know if I want to put myself through another 4, or so, years of stress just to say I did it. I decided I didn’t want to keep doing this just to be the one in the family that did. Oldest daughter trauma is bullshit. I did the undergraduate thing, now I’m feeling everything out. I still have my dream of owning a restaurant stuck in my brain. I’ve been cooking a lot more lately, and attempting new dishes on my own. I’ve been taking the time that I have now to try to make my own recipes and dishes.
    • My mom is not my mom. She’s a friend at best. She stresses me out, and keeping her at arms length has become important to my mental health and sanity.
  2. Got out of a toxic relationship.
    • Another, almost, 5 years of my life down the drain. Another instance of “he wasn’t all he was written out to be,” and I wrote about this one a lot. I should’ve left sooner. I should’ve left he first time he cheated on me. We wouldn’t have even made it to a year. I wanted to believe this was some sort of “high school sweetheart” romance that would take me out of the dating scene for good. I wanted to think I could get past anything. But instead he cheated on me once a year, for the entirety of our relationship, that I know about.
    • It got extremely toxic, obviously. I had extreme trust issues with him, my chest was always heavy with anxiety. A wedge was driven between us and we just became two people who slept in the same bed. Sex with him was amazing in the beginning, but it becomes hard to want someone who wanted other people while they were with you. Lack of physical touch didn’t help us much. I think he was just comfortable with me so he told himself he loved me.
    • When he graduated he seemed to lose motivation. I know he was stressed about his next move in life, his parents were going through a mess (his mom found his dad had a girlfriend, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree on this one- does it?), he wasn’t making much money but he also wasn’t actively seeking another job. I worked 14 hour days, he worked 5 hour days. He smoked a ton and I always found him playing video games and not a thing done around the house to help me (we’ll talk more about these aspects in later sections, everything ties together.) He started owing me money for bills. We were supposed to move in together (again, it ties together.)
    • My brain finally split on him, he didn’t offer me anything anymore. He told me I didn’t try, I was always drunk, I was the problem. I decided he had ruined the last 3 places I had lived because it was tainted with memories of him and being destroyed with other girls’ names and bodies. I didn’t want to move into a new place and question if he was going to be faithful and good to me, if he would get another job to pay his part of rent, if he really could be my happily ever after.
    • He did not take it well. He told me that I couldn’t keep throwing around the fact that he had cheated. He told me he deserved better than a break up over text. He told me he had realized recently that he wanted me forever, that a proposal was in the near future. Gaslight. Gaslight. Gaslight. He took our dog. He moved out before I got home.
  3. Moved 3 times.
    • The last time I wrote here, I was living in an apartment with my ex and 2 roommates. I moved into a house with the same people after. In total there was about 5 of us living there and then 5 cats and my dog. It was hectic. I loved it sometimes, hated it most of the time. Everyone was messy. No one helped clean common areas. I couldn’t take it. We also got robbed in the beginning, the night before my birthday (which is less than a week away now.)
    • The house I live in now is with one friend. She’s great, she had moved in towards the end of our lease at my old house. We called it the trap house. It’s just me, her, and her cat. It’s clean, it’s decorated nicely, its quiet. We miss the chaos sometimes. She works overnights and I work all day, we only really see each other in passing, me waking up when she’s getting home and me coming home when she’s waking up.
    • My ex lives with his mom now, our one roommate and his girlfriend got an apartment, and our best friend went off to graduate school to become a physical therapist. So it’s just me and my one friend now. It gets lonely.
  4. Drinking problem.
    • I blame COVID. It started out just drinking wine at home because I couldn’t go anywhere. It got worse when I started working at a bar. I got to a point of drinking those 1.5 liter bottles of wine on my own. I’d black out consistently. It caused a lot of problems between my ex and I- he was rightfully upset with me. I was upset with myself. I would throw up almost every night, I wasn’t eating properly, I gained weight. I went from a caffeine addicted gym fiend to a workaholic alcoholic who wanted to kill herself. I think I was crying for help but in the worst ways.
    • I reminded myself too much of my mother. My brother started talking to me about the issues he had with her while living with her. She was a mess. I didn’t want to be like her.
    • Unfortunately, alcoholism runs on both sides. Instead of being the “messy black out drunk” I’m the functional alcoholic. I keep a steady buzz drinking tall boys. I get it from my daddy. I know I need to change, I just don’t want to right now. Also, nicotine was always something I fought about with my ex. He became a fiend. After splitting and me moving- drunk ciggys have become my favorite.
  5. Lost my sense of self.
    • That’s pretty self explanatory. Developing bad habits, leaving someone you thought was your forever, friends moving away, living “alone,” being done with school…… I feel like anyone would lose themselves a bit.

This was a lot but I figured I might as well just put all my bull shit on the page. A mind dump, if you will. My roommate has been journaling again because her therapist wanted her to. I figured I could use that as well, but I never took to journaling so here I am. Back again.

Manic Monday

Today is a particularly good day, so good that I have to question it.

I got up today at a decent time (10:30am, fantastic considering I don’t usually emerge from my room until 2pm), I did the laundry I’ve been putting off for weeks, did a workout for the first time in two months, took a bath to help my eczema, exfoliated, and showered. Not to mention I’ve made two healthy and satisfying meals (I’m usually lucky to eat one).

What changed? I’ve been questioning my mental health lately, and my original diagnosis of anxiety and depression. The anxiety doesn’t bother me so much. I used to have panic attacks, but now I tend to have positive anxiety that makes me thrive and push higher instead of immobilizing and crippling me.

The depression though, it’s rough. Some days are so low and I’m stuck in a middle “bog” feeling, very numb. Some days are lower than others, where it’s so painful to get out of my bed that I don’t leave it for weeks. Things I enjoy become a task, difficult and painful to do.

Then the light shines an my God, I clean my entire apartment, shaking with energy and excitement through my workouts and school work and readings. It’s conflicting because I can’t find a pattern

My therapist asked, “How long do these periods last for?” and I can’t tell. It seems like there’s an on and off switch for particular days, sometimes weeks. Last summer I was on a manic high for months. But I also have the lows, so low my roommate quietly creeps into my room asking if I need food and how I’m doing; “We live together and I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.” It was two weeks, to be exact.

My therapist asked, “Are they situational?” and I can’t tell. Last summer’s manic high was followed by a break up. My boyfriend and I split for a time due to both of us having baggage we needed time to unpack and deal with separately, we did get back together but that time period was filled with ups and downs and black out nights to stay out and not think about how lonely I felt. I hardly slept in my own bed and the bartenders and bouncers are all really good friends of mine now. I didn’t sleep unless I was drunk because I would get sad. One night I tried to stay home and sleep, I couldn’t and ended up packing a bag and driving 5 hours at 10:30 at night to a friends house- where I stayed up drinking with her once I get there. I hated every decision I made that summer and the person I was trying to be.

Sometimes heavy work loads, busy schedules, and constant routine bogs me down and I can’t move; only sleep.

I suppose the episodes are more situational than actual manic depression. But I’m so conflicted.

If anyone dealing with manic depression could help me understand better, please help. I could use all the advice from the standpoint of those who could actually enlighten me.

Struggles and their counterparts

It’s been nice blogging at night (when I remember) it gives me a sense of self, and a grounding to think “how is it really going?” outside of the depression and the anxiety of day to day life.

Life has never been particularly good to me, but has it been particularly good to anyone? And if it has, do those people really realize that they’ve had it good?

Everyone seems to focus so much more on the ‘woe is me’ aspect so hard that it gets in the way of the positivities they have in their lives.

I see a therapist, she helps me, she grounds me, she makes me think, and then I come back to this blank page, of a title and body paragraphs, and I think of what is happening.

The bad is only as bad as my mind makes it out to be.

Empathy and it’s many layers

I feel like it isn’t spoken of enough how being an empath is exhausting.

People are leeches.

Speaking with people or being close to people exhausts me beyond belief. Feeling everything they do, vibrating off of them and shaking to my core, swaying my emotions.

Don’t even get me started on the “I feel like you’re the only one who understands me.” That statement smacks me in the face because then I know they expect more out of me; to always understand what they need. This is what I mean by people are leeches; they crave another person with empath qualities to understand and feel for them on levels that suck empaths dry.

It’s difficult feeling what someone else does in the sense of them being interested in me romantically and I don’t feel the same. Instances like this, or other opposite feelings, create a battle inside of me where I have to pretend I don’t notice those feelings scratching at me, and their body language as well.

I suppose I’m being cynical; being an empath has its perks. It’s just more exhausting than it is good, at least it seems that way lately.

Sometimes it’s difficult for me. I feel too much of my own feelings already, so mixing them with other people’s feelings creates a discomforting overlap. Sometimes I can’t quite tell how I feel anymore.

Twilight Shenanigans

I think my favorite part about this whole “blogging” thing is that it’s like a public diary for people who know not a single thing about me to read (or not, mostly not), and also making quirky captions for my ever ridiculous posts.

I’m having a hard time sleeping and I have been for a while. It seems like my body cycles through different stages, and every two years I come back to a sleepless stage. These nights happen in 4 different varieties of frustrating bed tossing.

1. Tired. Restless all night. Wake up after 3 hours to get ready for work.

2. Extremely tired all day. Lay down and be extremely awake all night.

3. Fall asleep instantly. Wake up after a couple hours due to a nightmare or a spike in heart rate. Don’t sleep anymore.

And my personal favorite 4. Knock right the fuck out from lack of sleep and not wake up from a single. fucking. thing. Only to then be so well rested I return to something like number 1.

It’s as if I can’t seem to get my mind to shut off, and my body to relax enough. I can’t tell if it’s anxiety, the quarantine making a lack of movement throughout the day causing my body to not be worn out enough to sleep, or something else altogether.

On that note, this sleepless night of writing is nice but this phone app is irritating me when I need to click on a separate word and it won’t move the cursor after a dozen clicks. I also feel badly for Michael trying to sleep beside me.

I’m rambling anyway. Goodnight.

Fresh Start

After rereading all of my past heartbreaks from life, it was time to delete. Permanently. Or as permanently as you can get on the internet. It’s time for some major moving forward.

Is this thing on?

It’s been about 5 years since I opened my mind and let it empty itself out on this website. Does this still work?

I’m not the sad teenager I was. I started this at 15, with some major problems with relationships and myself. I’m 20 now, almost 21. Life isn’t much better, but at least I’m not as sad (at least not all the time).

In the last 5 years I’ve been work 3 jobs, I’ve been in school full time and I’m going into my last year of university this fall as a Nutrition Science major. It’s been busy, to say the least, and I haven’t had a moment to stop and think- let alone write.

I’ve met someone new from the boy I used to write about, I was right when I said “this is the type of thing to set people on fire, and shatter them when it’s over.” I don’t know how I knew the future, but I did. I’m doing better now, he wasn’t all he was written out to be.

COVID-19 has put a pause on a lot of my life, but it’s also the first break I’ve had since I was 17. I got to thinking about this little blog and all the sadness it held, I had to find it again.

I suppose we have a lot to catch up on, but first, I think we need to revamp this.